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Hopping on the Bandwagon

2005-09-27T19:21:00.000-04:00

Recent events and popular demand have instituted an update to this blog. Today, we address the recent disaster in the Gulf.

America's solution to everything has always been money. If we don't like something, we pay to fix or change it. Troubles? Money can solve the majority of them. It comes without surprise, then, that we mindlessly pour our charitable and noble monetary support in wake of the hurricanes. Mindlessly. Where did you send your money? The Red Cross? Then you should be aware that the Red Cross Executives are absolutely and unequivocally the highest paid non-profit sector upper management in the world. In fact, most public sector CEOs are not even in the income bracket of many Red Cross Execs. Did you send your money elsewhere? Same thing. These so-called tax sheltered charitable organizations, while benevolent in nature, are largely nothing more than greedy business organization allocating finances to accomplish broad political and social goals. Christian Childrens Fund, anyone? Red Cross? Does this ring a bell?

While your compassion is to be applauded, please, make sure your money is going where it should be. Little has been accomplished in the Gulf by these organizations. The bulk of the relief has been provided by private tangible donations from citizens and business. Ironic? Not really. The problem is that most of America has its eyes closed. Ignorance is bliss. Just write a check so you don't feel guilty.

Here's another thing. Please, forgive me if I sound cold. I cannot begin to comprehend the destruction, devastation, and loss of humanity that has occured, nor will I pretend to. I think, however, that much of this could have been avoided. First, New Orleans was settled, did it not occur to the Acadians (Cajuns) and others that they were on a river delta surrounded by water with no elevation whatsoever? Obviously, it must have, because at some point, someone built a levee. These levees, however, weren't good enough, and we see it now. Surely, one could predict that a hurricane of considerable magnitude would eventually hit. Mayor Ray Nagin, shortly before the tragedy, held a conference in which this possibility was addressed.

Second, where was the evacuation? You can't stop a hurricane, but you certainly can run away from it. Poor urban minorities? Can't afford to leave the city? Alright, that may be so, but at some point FEMA or someone could have arranged buses and other transportation as is being done now. Planning. That's what makes this disaster worse than it has to be. It is widely held that the planning for this terrible event, for lack of a better word, sucked.

What is to be learned from this? First, if you're going to rebuild New Orleans, which appears to be the case, build a fortified levee or some other system. Plan. Plan. Plan. These hurricanes were tracked for nearly two weeks prior to landfall. Plan. Second, stop blaming the poor urbanites for their indescretions. Survival is survival, and if it were you, instinct would drive you to do the same, for self-preservation.

And now we have the gas prices. Yes, they are terrible. But guess what, you're alive and well. You probably have your worldy possessions. Thousands do not at the moment. The least you can do is grin and bear it. And here's a newsflash, the general trend in gas prices continues to rise. We call that inflation, and supply and demand. The fact is, we're running out of crude oil, that wonderful fossil fuel that gets manipulated all kinds of ways and eventually ends up in your gas tank, car fluids, heating oil, or even vasoline. It is a finite resource. While various estimates exist, the bottom line is, we're eventually going to run out. Hopefully we will have switched to hydrogen or other alternate means to fuel our society, otherrwise, we're going to have to make massive changes. If higher gas prices force us to drive a little less, which in turn cuts down on emissions and fuel consumption to save it for a rainy day, then so be it. America has had the cheapest gas prices for years. It's only fair that we finally join the rest of the world. Globalization works both ways, and this is a fact that many are unwilling to accept. We can put a McDonalds in Saudi Arabia, but the moment they cast the deciding vote as the world's largest oil exporter in OPEC to raise crude oil futures by 5 cents, it's damnable in our eyes. It's high time America joined the rest of the world.

Peace be with you. And here's hoping tommorow will be here.

Money: The Cause of, and Solution to, All of Life's Legal Problems

2005-03-08T20:29:00.000-05:00

Has the Securities and Exchange Commission got you down? Tired of countless police officers search your ranch for evidence that you molested children? Kill your wife and/or child lately? That's OK! With a few million dollars, you, too can be innocent. Ready to play the race card? There's no need! Benjamin Franklin's got your back! There is something fundamentally wrong with the United States of America when the American Dream has been so vilely and utterly corrupted as to become a tool for the rich to escape criminal prosecution for crimes that they are clearly guilty of.

Case in point, #1, Martha Stewart. First she lied, then that lie become less, then she basically confessed. Where is she now? Freshly released from jail and living life to the fullest under house arrest in her multimillion dollar mansion, all the while calling the shots at her megaconglomerate company, probably right back in the swing of things. This woman even was allowed to CHOOSE when she would go to jail. Just to butter things up a bit, she did quality time in Club Fed. Boy oh boy, nothing like federal luxury prison.

Case in point #2, Michael Jackson. If anyone in their right mind believes for one second that this man is innocent, please, consult a psychologist. And it might help to keep your kids locked away, too. Over the years, this abomination of a human being has freely molested countless children. He has even admittedly slept in the same bed with children. He thinks it's normal. NO, Mr. Jackson, it is NOT normal for a grown man to sleep in the same bed with children. If this were the first time this man were accused of his allegations, he might very well be given the benefit of the doubt. This is not, however, the first time. The first time was so many times ago that everyone lost count. The bottom line is, Michael Jackson did NOT have a normal childhood, and now, he is ensuring that those victimized children can't, either. Thus far, Mr. Jackson has managed to convince the right people to look the other way with the right amount of money. His legal defense is among the best available, the best money can buy. Does this remind you of anyone?

That's right, OJ Simpson, Case #3. This man clearly and with malice aforethought killed his estranged wife and her male friend. In cold blood. Open and shut case. But he had money. And he assembled an insurrmountable legal defense team, and he won. And in the civil suit, he payed both their families to look the other way. And they took it and ran like bandits. People are sick, and sick over money.

And last but certainly not least, the parents of Jon-Benet Ramsey. Kill your daughter to cash in on an insurance policy? No problem. Just put the money in the right places and your all set.

Money is a drug.

Unsafe at Any Speed: Have We Forgotten Already?

2005-02-21T03:31:00.000-05:00

Until perhaps the 1970s, a large emphasis was placed on large, powerful, gas guzzling rear wheel drive cars. Eventually, a gentleman by the name of Ralph Nader argued quite forcefully that such an emphasis bordered on a dangerous obsession that killed thousands. In the 1980s, cars for the most part were trimmed down, powered down, and made more fuel efficient and safer what with the advent of fuel injection, seat belts, airbags and the like. From then until the turn of the century, incidences of traffic and highway related fatalities declined sharply. Crashes were more survivable, excessive horsepower was now the exception rather than the rule, and steps were being made to protect the environment such as enhanced emissions systems, standards, and inspection requirement.

People quickly saw that such a philosophy was correct. Cars became towned down substantially, and makes such as the Charger, The Duster, the Nova, etc. were replaced by names such as the Breeze, the Sunbird, etc. But as quickly as it began, so to did it end. People had to go and get supercompetitive. They had to go and demand the return of size, excess, and unnecessary environmental destruction. And you know why? Because when you're racing for the parking spot in the mall parking lot on that post-thanksgiving morning, you need those 300 horses of supercharged power in your minivan to beat the next guy there. Or, because when mother is going to be late getting the 15 kids to soccer practice, she can up the ante and drive 130 mph on surface streets (or through the park and it's threatingly not so urban terrain thanks to the miracle of all-wheel drive and SUVs) to the field.

The point is, what sense does it make to have these powerful cars coming back, especially when gas prices are at unprecedented highs? Such is the nature of America. I, for one, don't understand it.

On Valentine's Day and Love in General

2005-01-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

With February at our doorstep and Valentine's day sure to follow, it is prudent to pause for just a second to think about the true significance of Valentine's Day. Taken in combination with Christmas, Valentine's Day is merely another misconstrued holiday, except that the true meaning of the holiday (if one can call it that) is slaughtered on significantly greater levels than Christmas ever could, again in the name of commercialism.

Let us not forget that Valentine's Day is NOT a holiday developed exclusively for manifest public displays of human affection or animal like quasi-deviant sexual pursuits behind closed doors, but rather in memory and honor of St. Valentine, a Roman Catholic priest from near Rome who lived and died circa 270 A.D. More information can be found here.

In an age where the Emperor had banned all forms of marriage, Valentine provided an alternative. He was a champion of the cause, and stood up for what he believed. That, in and of itself, is an admirable quality. However, where the ill-fated Priest fell short was in his insistance upon equating love and marriage. Some millenia later we see how true this is what with divorce rates hovering above 50%. Yet human beings insist upon adhering to some false and sick belief that love is unconditional and universal, and strictly between two people fitting certain categories. What would St. Valentine say about past and current transgressions against the institution of marriage, such as previous bans on interracial marriage prior to the United State Supreme Court Case Loving v. Virginia? Or current bans on same sex marriage? One must wonder.

Yet we are content to continue this charade of a holiday, knowing that love and peace suffers. For St. Valentine, as part of love, included peace and understanding in his doctrine that he died for. We are content to spend millions upon millions of dollars on trivial possessions that are supposed to serve as professions of love and unwavering faith to a partner. Perhaps moreso, to serve as trivial and jovial expressions of celebration of the holiday to colleagues and even strangers, knowing truly that one does not intend such expressions. In an age of war, destruction, and other terrible calamities, we are comfortable in setting aside such travesties, as long as we have money to spend.

St. Valentine is to be commended above all things as a freedom fighter. His heroic actions are to be in the league of names such as Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King, Jr., and anyone, even in the slightest, who has ever given up something so dear to them to profess belief in a cause. For St. Valentine made the ultimate sacrifice. Are you willing to do that?

Nah, you're better off just paying $1.99 for a pack of those hearts with the messages on them.

Think about it.

New Years Irresolutions

2005-01-02T06:25:00.000-05:00

As we enter yet another miserable year of human existance, it is necessary to cover a topic of considerable magnitude. With the passing of each year, people make more and more "New Years Resolutions." Among the most popular of these are losing weight, quitting smoking, and getting out of debt. One must truly wonder how many people actually fulfill these resolutions. I can tell you this, not that damn many. In fact, most people actually accomplish the REVERSE of what they had originally meant to do in the first place. If you want to quit smoking, you go from one pack a day to two. If you want to lose weight, you actually GAIN twenty pounds. In a month. If you want to get out of debt, you take out another credit card to pay off the others.

So, I guess most people shouldn't make New Years Resolutions. If you are going to make any resolution, keep it to yourself. First, nobody cares. Second, if you don't pull it off and you go blabbing to everyone, it is you who looks like a freakin' jackass. Finally, resolutions should be private. It's not a resolution if you go telling everyone. So, in the event you actually quit smoking or lose weight, you can say, "damn, I pulled that off..." and in turn, you will have more confidence in yourself to do the things you want. And if you don't, no harm done. You simply realize how much of a waste of life you really are.

Now here comes the real genius. If you really want to get something done, make a resolution regarding the opposite. For example, if you want to stop doing coke, make a resolution to have an overdose. Or, in a less extreme circumstance, if you want to finally stop smoking, resolve to smoke a freakin' carton per day. Odds are you will actually accomplish what you originally wanted to. Why? Because human beings are successful at failure. And if you are too, you can say you're successful at something. And if you don't succeed at failure, then you actually succeeded. It's really a no lose situation and a self-esteem booster.

But of course, there's always crack.

Happy New Year 2005. Drugs are bad.

The Fat Lady Has Sung

2004-11-18T18:54:00.000-05:00

May I have your attention please: The fat lady has sung. The 2004 election is over. Please resume your normal lives and stop bitching. Voting will commence again in approximately four years.

Like it or not, the nation has spoken (ok, maybe not the WHOLE nation, but at least the red states) and Dubya is with us for, that's right, four more years. No amount of bitching, complaining, praying, threats, or other efforts to somehow change the outcome will change the way things are.

The fat lady has sung. She has sung an entire opera. If you voted for Kerry, you got served. If you voted for Bush, nobody cares.

Parking Lot Etiquette

2004-11-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

In addition to the standard New York State Vehicle and Traffic Laws, there should be a subsection on Parking Lot Etiquette. Parking lot etiquette is not something that is taught in driver education courses or the like because, simply, it's not on the books. What is on the books, such as stopping at a stop sign, for example, is covered in these courses. People don't practice parking lot etiquette because they aren't aware of it - it simply doesn't exist to them. Besides, even if most people were aware of it, it's doubtful they'd respect others anyway, because as we know, people are by their very nature disrepectful and rude.

Here, for starters, is a brief aside on parking lot etiquette. No, it's not written by Heloise, Dear Abby, or Martha Stewart, but these pointers are, on their face, sound.

1. The First Come, First Served Rule

Situation: At the front of the parking lot, competition for spots is a thing which conjures up thoughts of man in his most primative form. So, here's a textual diagram to depict the situation:

Car A ----->
<-------- Car B

^
Open Spot

Car A approaches from one direction, car B the other. Car A arrives first, signals left to cut across traffic (although signaling isn't always legally necessary in parking lot situations, it's a matter of etiquette to let other drivers know your intentions). Enter Car B, closer to the open spot, approximately 10 seconds later. Car B signals right, and waits for the spot.

Who gets it?

If you guessed Car A, you're completely right. Why? First come, first served, UNLESS the parking lot is a legal roadway, then Car B gets the spot because of the whole right-of-way thing.

2. Stalking for Space

Situation: A car follows a person who appears to be walking back to their car, in hopes of quickly pulling into their spot after they leave. Simply put, THIS IS FUCKING RUDE, especially in night situations where headlights are on, and especially when the vehicle follows to closely.

Proper Etiquette: If you are the driver, pull up beside the person, roll down your window, and politely and briefly ask them if they are leaving. You'd be surprised how many people will say yes, tell you where they're parked, and help you get their old spot.

If you are the pedestrian, walk next to the driver's side door of a car, pretend to fumble with the lock, then walk away, put your hand over your eyebrow, and appear confused. Weave back onto the roadway near the person following you, then onto the next set of cars. If they still don't get the hint, start making airplane noises, spread your arms like an eagle, and zig zag between cars.

3. Leaving Notes

Situation: Someone leaves a note under a person's windshield wiper (or attached to another part of their vehicle), for whatever reason.

Proper Etiquette: Do not do this unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure that you have the right vehicle (you might want to match up license plate numbers, or defining features of their car) and you have NO OTHER WAY of contacting them AND the matter is URGENT. People don't like walking out to their car and seeing what appears to be a ticket under their windshield wiper.

If you are soliciting, you are an idiot anyway and you should be arrested for criminal public trespass.

4. Parking Lot Dints

Situation: You hit another car, for whatever reason.

Proper Etiquette: Check their car to see if there is visible damage, if there is, even in the slightest, LEAVE THEM A NOTE. Please note that this satisfies the above requirements. If a member of the opposite sex, this may lead to a hookup. Yes, you probably could get away with it, but many parking lots actually have cameras in them and you always face the possibility of a good samaratin seeing your evil deeds. A hit and run could be criminally prosecuted under several charges.

It does not matter whether their car is, "nice," or any similar adjective, or the opposite.

5. Double Parking (non-street)

Situation: You pull into a spot but half your car is in another spot, or you aren't completely pulled into the spot and half your car is in the roadway.

Proper Etiquette: While there is some leeway (for example, if you have a ridiculously large vehicle and your front bumper extends six inches into the spot in front of you), most of the time you should adjust your parking. This could save your vehicle from damage and save you from a parking ticket. It doesn't matter if you're in a hurry. Learning how to park in a proper manner could save you time in the long run.

6. Making a Spot

Situation: You park in a spot that isn't designated for parking, such as on yellow striped lines or in the middle of the roadway.

Proper Etiquette: This is wrong. Of course, emergencies are an exception. If you are just going to be "in and out real quick," this is not a valid excuse. The length of your stay bears no relationship to your parking spot or lack thereof. You should move your vehicle to a valid spot.

7. Idling, etc.

Situation: You are sitting in your car for an extended amount of time.

Proper Etiquette: Idling for more than five minutes is rude. If you really need to get their early, get out of your car, go get some fresh air. People just sitting in their car look suspicious. Are you doing drugs? Are you stalking somebody?

8. Backtracking

Situation: You are driving through the parking lot too fast, see a spot (or one opening up), and can't brake quick enough to get it. You back up.

Proper etiquette: As long as their is no vehicle behind you, it is ok. If there is one, they win the spot. You snooze, you lose. Besides, if you back into them and cause a fender bender, the law is against you. Who the hell backs into somebody?

9. Waiting for a Spot to Open

Situation: You stop and wait for a spot to open.

Proper Etiquette: If you already see the spot opening, and the person is backing out, it is ok, as long as you follow the above rules, including signaling your intentions. On the other hand, if you don't see an immenent opening and are waiting for one to open and clogging up other cars, this is rude and you should keep driving until you find a spot.

10. Head In vs. Rear In Parking

Situation: Head In is where you simply pull in, front first. Most people park this way, but it is actually not the correct way, in most situations...street or parking lot. Rear in, backing in, is the proper way. This ensures that you have a clear view when pulling out, and don't have to rely on your mirrors. Also, in the event that you need to be towed or jumped, being backed in comes in handy. Head In parking IS adequate for parking lots that have perpendicular parking (i.e. slanted parking spaces), however Rear In parking is better for the same reasons as stated above.

11. Brights

Situation: You have your bright/high beams turned on when parking at night, or while otherwise in the lot.

Etiquette: NO! This blinds pedestrians and your fellow drivers. No!

12. Use of Signals

Situation: You beep your horn, give the finger, or whatever.

Etiquette: If you are absolutely, beyond a doubt, 100% right, according to the rules mentioned above, then curse, beep or whatever until your little heart's content.

This is not a complete list; only a few suggestions to make our parking experience a little more pleasant. Remember, don't be a dick...because it comes back around on you, especially if you park somewhere on a regular basis. If you choose to ignore these rules, don't be surprised if you find yourself being screwed over in return. As always, you should obey all traffic rules, even when not on a legal roadway. Sure, it's not required, but it's a matter of being nice.

Ashlee Simpson: The Next Great White Female Single Version of Milli Vanilli

2004-10-24T18:49:00.000-04:00

For those of us who detest pop music, this is a great victory that will forever go down in the annals of whatever it goes down in. It seems Ms. Ashlee Simpson (is it just me or is that a really REDNECK way to spell "Ashley"?) had a little glitch at her Saturday Night Live Show last night. The fact of the matter is, she was caught lip syncing. Ahh, yes.

In an MSNBC/AP article, everyone offered their explanations for this incident, which ranged from a computer glitch to close encounters of a third kind. OK, first, read the article:

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6322824/

Her extra help? YES. That's it. It was a "backing vocal." That's the common excuse. Yet if you watch the video, that backing video was singing most of the song.

Even funnier, she blamed her band. Yes, that must be it, blame the only people who might actually possess musical aptitude in this situation. I didn't know that your band could play a recording of your voice? Is that even an instrument?

On her attempted cover up of the incident (which was pretty horrible):
“Exactly,” Simpson said. “I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song. I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’d do a hoe-down.” Yeah...because that would be my first instinct too. "Commence the Jiggling!" Ahh, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, thank you! The only thing is, YOU CAN'T DANCE! You have a horrible looking nose that is in desperate need of plastic surgery, and YOU CAN'T DANCE! Your attempt at doing so looks like a sugar-starved A-D-D kid jumping for candy.

"But it sounded suspiciously like...a common — although almost always unspoken — concert aid. [The] singer “lip synchs” by mouthing words to a backing tape" Woah. And that, my friends, is why I never go to pop concerts, if you can even call them that. I had the occasion of catching Britney Spears live once, and it was horrible. Had it not been for the attempts of her support act, the Sugarhill Gang, at saving the night, I would have probably began a riot.

So what have we learned today? Pop music sucks. It's fake. Ashlee Simpson is in need of a face lift, and now, a career change. I hear Linens-N-Things is now hiring. Good luck.

On Fans During Playoffs

2004-10-18T22:38:00.000-04:00

You haven't watched five minutes of a game all season, but low and behold, it's playoff time, and suddenly you're Team X's greatest fan. Does this sound like you or someone you know? You may have Plastic Fan syndrome. Simply put, plastic fan syndrome is marked by a sudden decision to adhere to a belief that a certain team is superior strictly because they are in the playoffs, and also that you are, and always have been, a fan of that team. There is no better case of this than in New York, where, come playoff time every October, everyone is a Yankees fan...even Mets fans, the exception, of course, being in cases of a Subway Series. Even people who do not like baseball at all suddenly become experts on the field and devout Yankees fans.

Now, there's a pill for that too. That's right, with just one pill a day you can control Plastic Fan syndrome. It's called Realitin XL, and is available only by prescription. Ask your doctor today for a free sample. But what is the opposite of Plastic Fan? It's called a real fan. A real fan is someone who follows a team through thick and thin, makes a game or two (or more) per year, owns MORE THAN TWO articles of clothing depicting that team, and can name all positions on the team and who they are played by. If you ask most people who plays third base for the Yankees, they have no idea. Some people who wear Yanks clothing are confused and actually think it's a Mets thing or simply have no idea what the hell they're wearing.

One may ask how I came to this realization. The truth of the matter is that, I too, was stricken with Plastic Fan syndrome, on more than one occasion. Super Bowl, last year, Panthers vs. New England. I suddenly found myself rallying around Carolina strictly because they are from what I consider to be my home state. I got visibly angry when they lost, but then I thought to myself...what the hell, I haven't cared about this team since 96 when they got started, if I care now, I must be a plastic fan. I quickly took a dose of Realitin XL, and I was fine. Then, in a more recent example, I pulled for the A-Braves in the NLDS. They, too, lost, and I realized the same. But what if either team would have won? Then no doubt, my Plastic Fan syndrome would have progressed to epic levels, including running out onto the streets yelling, "THHHHHEEEE (insert team here) WIN!!!! THHHHHHHEEEEEEEEE (insert team here) WINNNNNNNN!!!!

The point of this all is:

Most people could care less about sports, and especially your team. So please, do your fellow man a favor and shut the fuck up.

Is it Possible for Mechanical Devices to Have Sexual Preferences?

2004-10-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

This is the question before us. Today, my computer officially came out of the closet, it's gay. At first I didn't know how to take this, not even knowing that my computer had a sexual identification much less the revelation today.

I was sitting at my computer, when suddenly, the infamous BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) flashed. Suspecting the usual, I began to reset my computer. Something caught my eye before I could do so. "Windows has encountered an unexpected error at (such and such): OE exception: H0MO (bunch of other numbers)." I couldn't belive it! My computer was having an identity crises. So I told it to chill, take a break, and think things over. After I reset it, it came back on, ran fine for a while, evidently fine with the announcement it had just made to the world. Suddenly, a box flashes up: "Internet Explorer has encountered an error in CLST.DLL." Closet? Oh, so now my computer is having issues with coming out of the closet? Grrreat.

So I said, look, it's cool that you're gay and all, but that doesn't relieve your duties. If you cannot perform them, then I will look for another computer. So as I started to do just that on eBay, my computer shut itself down...black screen and all, and wouldn't reset. I almost went as far as pulling the plug, but given the case at hand I'm sure that would've been a human rights violation and the free world would have been all over me. MY COMPUTER WAS ALIVE! IT, LIKE SKYNET, HAD BECOME SELF AWARE! So I decided to talk it out with the computer. I pressed the CTRL-ALT-DEL combination and finally got a response. I shut down various programs, but to no avail...until, that is, I shut down internet explorer. Then, my computer went perfectly back to normal.

Given this information, I am trying to conjecture as to the sex of my computer - male, or female? I think it's a male, because it tries to act fem and keep the desktop area all tidy...sometimes when I put up a wallpaper it doesn't like it just replaces it with white. The other day, I was clothes shopping and it just quit internet explorer on me...I figure, it must not have liked the clothes I was looking at. So I'm forced to wonder how my computer intends to consummate any relationship it's involved in. Will some big, black Dell sneak its way into my room at night and mount my computer? Or will the Gateway make somebody else it's bitch? I'm not sure. But I do know one thing - if I was high, and I saw something happening, I would freak.

So my computer and I are co-existing just fine right now, it's letting me write this blog and playing some interesting music...wait, is that Culture Club I hear? Oh god, I so love Boy George. We should SOOO have him over for tea. WOAH!!! OK, seriously. We are going shopping soon, for a few small repairs and accessories...I think I'm going to get that see-thru case, because this bad boy is kinky. OOOH!!!